Tuesday, October 25, 2016

If You Cheat On Your Partner, You Do Not Love Your Partner. Period.

End of story.

I never really gave much thought to cheating growing up. I knew what it was but because it was something that was never close to me, it simply wasn’t on my radar. In my mind, it was something you see in movies, something to give what might have been a mundane plot, a bit of a twist. But as we all know, movies and reality are two different beasts entirely.

Then when I was about 11 years old, my mother’s best friend, M, got divorced. Because I was close friends with her daughter, I was told that when her mom sat her and her brothers down to explain why their dad was leaving, it was because he loved his secretary instead.

I didn’t realize at the time how much of a cliché it was but what I was able to deduce was that he had cheated. It took him all of one month to get remarried after the divorce was final. Although I wouldn’t get the particulars until years later, that was my first introduction to cheating.

When my own husband cheated, I reached out to my mom’s best friend. Now that I was an adult, I could talk to her about it because we’re both victims of a cliché: She was left for her husband’s secretary and I was left for a child… er, I mean a 20-year-old (which, to be honest, is a child since my husband is 48 and has an 18-year-old daughter from a previous relationship).

During that discussion, I was finally really able to see just how much of a betrayal cheating is. In my case, I was fortunate enough to not have children with my husband, but M wasn’t so lucky. She had had three children with hers, the youngest being just a baby when he told her he didn’tlove her and walked out. And just as my husband tried to justify his own actions, M’s husband did the same.

It was the same bullsh*t of “I used to love you, but now I found this person whom I love better and love more.” Or as it was in my case, “I thought you were my soulmate, but B is my actual soulmate because we both love The Beatles and have the same birthday.”

Ah, the babbling rationale of a 48-year-old man who’s going through a midlife crisis.

But what I came to realize through all the tears, the drama, and the piles of sh*t  I sent through the mail to him is this: My husband never loved me. If you love someone, you don’t cheat on them. End of story.

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a lot of components in love. If you genuinely love someone, you respect them, for starters. You also emotionally support them, give them a high-five when they do something great, care for them when they’re sick in bed with the flu, stand by them when things get scary, hold their hand when they need you, and look toward to the future together as a partnership. That’s what love is.

So when you cheat on your spouse, you’re cheating on all of that. You’re betraying every single one of those components and essentially making a mockery of what you once dared to call love.

If you cheat, what you’ve really done is said, “I don’t love you. I never loved you. I never respected you. I never cared for you. All of this was a lie.”

And that’s fine. If you want to erase your past, admitting it was a lie — which is exactly what you do when you cheat — then that’s your prerogative. It makes you an assh*le, a no-good liar, a cheater and a thief, but you’re entitled to be the person you want to be.

Just don’t try to tell anyone that you love or ever loved your spouse if you cheat on them. You’re not only insulting your spouse and the history you had with them but you’re insulting yourself, too. And if you’re a cheater, there’s a huge part of you that thinks you’re right, so why would you want to insult yourself?

If you’re anything like M’s husband or my husband, you’re just the innocent victim in all this, right? A victim of love, so to speak.

Well, we’ll take care of the insulting of you for you. And it’s definitely NSFW, so I’ll let you, dear cheaters, fill in the blanks.

Written by Amanda Chatel
This article has been republished from Yourtango.com, click here to view the original copy.

Monday, October 24, 2016

"Why Am I A Magnet for Toxic People?"

4 reasons why many people feel that they've become a "magnet" for toxic people after narcissistic abuse

After psychological abuse, many people feel that they've become a "magnet" for toxic people. I want to be clear that nobody "attracts" or "deserves" abuse, ever. But here are a few reasons you might see this pattern, and some ways to switch things up:

1) The most obvious answer is that you are probably a trusting, compassionate person. But the thing is, there are plenty of trusting & compassionate people who don't run into this problem. So what's the key? Boundaries. A big open heart can sometimes place love before self-respect, but healthy boundaries help to ensure balance. So many of us feel guilty or bad for standing up for ourselves, but we must learn to trust and honor our own feelings, even if they're negative.

2) Narcissistic abuse takes a huge toll on a person's self worth. Deep feelings of inadequacy and rejection cause the survivor to desperately seek out support and validation. In the immediate aftermath, this naturally attracts people who prey on vulnerable populations (this can happen online, with controlling friends, and even in spiritual communities). I highly recommend finding a non-judgmental therapist trained in emotional abuse, so you can start building a safe relationship with someone who is professionally trained to help.

3) Sociopaths naturally cause a lot of unresolved anger in the target. Between the cheating, the lying, and the humiliation, there's a lot of leftover blame (and understandably so). But blame breeds resentment, which leads to all sorts of other personality transformations: grandiosity, paranoia, black & white thinking, etc. As we learn to release old betrayals (through acceptance, indifference, forgiveness, or whatever works best for you), our hearts start to open again, and we discover the deep pain that lives under the anger. This naturally attracts people on the same path, who are beginning to dabble in vulnerability, rather than reactivity.

4) This is the biggest one. Long after the abuse has ended, there are likely old beliefs of "not enough" or "unlovable" sitting under the surface. This is why survivors unknowingly keep trying harder and harder in their lives—accomplishing, people-pleasing, and proving themselves. The underlying current of this approval-seeking behavior is that you are somehow "not enough" without it. And unfortunately, this naturally attracts people who keep reaffirming this internalized belief. Exploring self-love will heal these wounds and fill old unmet needs, so that we stop seeking resolution from external factors. No job or relationship or accomplishment will ever heal the wound of betrayal, or the rejection of self. When we realize that we don't need to "do" anything—that we are loved completely as we are, we stop trying so hard, and start attracting others who have found this peace.

As we do this work, we find our personalities slowly start to restore (or perhaps come alive for the first time). We stop holding ourselves hostage, we surrender our illusion of control. We stop trying to figure out "what's wrong with me", and realize that question is the entire root of the problem. Our sense of humor returns, things feel lighter, and life doesn't seem so serious. We find that missing confidence from the love and peace in our own hearts.

Article Author: Peace

Sunday, October 23, 2016

How The Law Of Attraction Can Help You Manifest Your Ideal Relationship

This post is part of a series by Shelly Bullard — a primer on raising your vibration and attracting your soul mate. For the next five days, we’ll post one article offering the foundational elements you need to go deeper in the search for self love, and the love of your life. When you’re ready to take the next step, check out Shelly’s course: How To Attract A Partner Who’s Ready For Deep, Devoted Love.

The law of attraction is based on this simple principle: You attract what you are.
In other words, you create a reality that is a reflection of you.
The concept is described differently in all manner of spiritual teachings, but it comes down to the same thing: We create our realities from the inside out.

Many people describe the law of attraction as the process by which thoughts become things. My own interpretation is a bit different. I believe the process has more to do with energy dynamics. It’s about becoming conscious of your internal state, attuning to your own energy to that, and using the connection to create your reality.

While this may seem abstract, I’ve found that with the right guidance, the process is really simple and practical.

Below are the three steps you need to use the law of attraction to manifest an amazing relationship. Attune your energy to that inner frequency, and your external reality will transform.

1. Connect with your true nature.
We all have it. Some people call it love, some call it truth, some call it the higher self and some call it presence. Whatever you call it, it is the core essence of everything that exists.

When we to tap into this essence, an internal grounding occurs. A feeling of deep connection — of coming home.

Attuning to your true nature is crucial to successful manifestation, because only from this state can we create what we truly desire.

Anytime we’re longing, grasping, needing, or chasing something on the outside (for example, a partnership), the resultant manifestation will be marked by those same qualities. In other words, you’ll create relationships where you feel longing, grasping, needy, or chasing. This, clearly, is not what you actually want.

When you are aligned with your true nature, you aren’t grasping. You, in that state, are complete. Therefore, anything you manifest from this state of being will be infused with that essence of completion and wholeness.

The most important step to manifesting love is attuning to your true nature. And the process won’t surprise you. You’ve heard it all before. Step out of the busyness of life, and step into yourself through meditation, self-inquiry, the reading of spiritual texts, or guidance from a teacher.

By internally connecting to the energy of connection and wholeness, you will inevitably invite relationships that feel connected and whole, too.

2. Recognize your barriers to love.
A major struggle in utilizing the law of attraction is a lack of awareness of limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are messages that convince you you can’t have what you want. These are feelings, doubts, fears, or anything else that gets in the way of a clear connection to the feeling of love, wholeness and peace within.

For example, if you believe that you’re always going to attract unavailable partners, that belief carries a particular energetic frequency (“I only attract unavailable people”). Because you carry this belief, it keeps showing up in your reality. You’re limited by it.

In order to change your reality in relationships, you have to destroy these beliefs. Start by noticing when a block, doubt or fear about attracting love arises. Just turn your awareness toward it.

Once you make yourself aware of it, you can begin to question the validity of this belief. “Is it really true that all people are unavailable? That’s been my experience so far, but is it possible that a different experience exists? Is it possible that I could attract someone who was available for love?”

Right there — with that simple question — you’ve sown a seed of dissent in the doubt! Continue to make yourself intentionally aware of the new possibility, and it’s likelihood will grow. As it grows, you will outgrow you limiting beliefs about love, and your reality in relationships will transform.

3. Relinquish control.
When we try to force things into existence (or when we try to control the outcome of a relationship), we’re manifesting from a place of fear, doubt, worry, and disbelief. And you can’t attract an amazing relationship from any of those emotions. It just doesn’t work.
Instead, do the inner work of connecting to your true nature and clearing away your fears, and then let the mystery unfold. The more you settle into the beliefs that you are whole and you are love, the less you’ll grasp at control and try to manufacture a certain outcome. The less you do that the faster real love will find you.

The process of manifesting gets easier with time and practice. The more your attune to your true nature, the more you’ll trust in the greater force that orchestrates all the details of life. You just have to be you and the rest will fall into place.

Attune to the love that is the essence of who you are and it has no choice but to come to you.

Please share how you’ll going to use the law of attraction to manifest incredible love.

Things Strong Women Never Tolerate in Relationships

Once you’ve entered into a relationship with a strong, independent woman, your next step might be wondering how to keep her. She needs enough space to be able to spread her wings and do things on her own, but giving her that space can be intimidating. The key is to trust her enough that once she’s done saving the world, she’ll come back to you at the end of the day. A strong woman has high standards and clear morals. If you can’t respect her, she’ll move on. If you’re in a relationship with a strong woman, here are six things she absolutely will not tolerate:

1. Disrespect
Respect goes both ways in a relationship. A strong woman knows her worth, and she will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully. She knows that respect is extremely important in a relationship. She will always treat you with respect, and she will expect the same in return.

2. Trying To Control Her
When one partner tries to control the whole relationship, things shift out of balance and can get ugly quickly. A strong woman is used to taking care of herself and handling things on her own, so don’t try to make decisions for her or take the reins in every aspect of the relationship. This doesn’t mean she wants total control either; there should be an equal balance between the two of you, along with excellent communication.

3. Pushing Her Boundaries
Knowing and respecting your partner’s morals, values and personal boundaries is extremely important. Strong women know their self-worth, and they have no problem saying “no.” She will never tolerate someone who tries to break her values or morals for selfish reasons. She will expect better from you, and if you can’t respect her boundaries, she’ll move on.

4. Treating Her As Less Than Your Equal
Treat the woman in your relationship as your equal in every way. If she needs your help, she’ll be humble enough to ask for it. Don’t assume she can’t do something, and don’t let income, education, social status or gender play a leading role in your relationship.

5. Being Negative Toward Her
Everyone has a bad day every once in a while, but a strong woman knows how to push past it and get back up on her feet when she falls. Being stuck in a negative state isn’t just unattractive, it pulls down the people around you. If you are constantly negative toward your partner and her ideas, thoughts and opinions, she won’t tolerate it for long.

6. Not Supporting Her
A strong woman is most likely on a mission. She knows what she wants and she’s working to achieve it. If you put her down and criticize her when she shares her goals and dreams with you, she’ll see it as a slap in the face. If you aren’t going to support her and be by her side through her achievements, she’ll find someone else who’s willing to be standing in the front row, happy to watch her succeed.

Source – David Wolfe

Friday, October 21, 2016

Warning to the New Girlfriend-Life With A Narcissist

Letter to the Next Victim

I want to offer some information so you don’t believe him when he tells you that you are crazy and he has about had it with YOUR theatrics. To find support and to confirm you are not crazy just google Malignant Narcissist, Psychopath; my ex is textbook.

I assume you are beginning to doubt he is everything he professes to be; so much what I am about to tell you should ring true to you, arm you with knowledge of things yet to come and hopefully you will run NOW, and not wait. I didn’t try to warn you because I know how charming he can be in the beginning, you were thinking he was the love of your life and you would never have believed me anyway. I’m sure he has made me sound like a psycho bitch (because that is what he told me about the ones before me) who made his life hell for 10 years. Plus you would have wanted to prove how loyal you were to him after  he had been treated so badly by me.

But by now things aren’t adding up, he has changed, even if you can’t put your finger on it or he is saying you are being too sensitive, you are doubting yourself and your gut instinct. I guarantee you he won’t change,  in fact;  the longer you are with him the weaker you get, the more control he gains and when you have nothing left to give he will leave you without a backwards glance, except to call you a psycho bitch and tell you he has found the love of his life.

Here are a few facts that might help you realize you are just one of many women who have been the “love of his life”. He is incapable of true love, has no conscience, feels entitled to do and take anything he desires without guilt and will blame you for your own pain.

Did you know that he and I had gone for dinner the night before he broke down in your driveway and he had walked me out to my truck and said I love you and kissed me ever so sweetly. Did you know that he was seeing 3 or 4 women at the same time, telling me he loved me and saying, “I don’t know why you get so upset, you know we always end up back together.” 
The day after we had dinner together the police called me and asked if I knew where my car was. (it was in my name and I was insuring it as a favor to him, according to his blog he had left your house to meet me so I could insure it for him, all the while leading me to believe he still loved me) The police told me where it was parked with the keys in it. It turns out he was seeing a married woman and her husband found out and thought by letting me know it would break it up. It did break it up but he went straight to your place. I found out on the blog he had at the time that he was thinking Peggy was going to be the last woman he ever loved.

He had told 6 women in 2 years that he loved them, but he means it with you, right? But that was a long time ago wasn’t it, maybe he was lying to you then, maybe he was lying to many people but your special love has changed him, right? Just because he has never been faithful in his life and he has physically abused every woman he has been with doesn’t mean he will abuse you, right? he just hasn’t had anyone love him like you love him, right? You can go ahead and believe that, I won’t try to change your mind but keep THIS in mind; past behavior predicts future behavior. I am going to do you a favor, give you an advantage I never had. Do with it what you will but you would be wise to not let him know you know. Knowledge is a powerful thing and it would serve you well to file this information.

– Within a month of us moving in together I accidentally found he had joined a dating site while I was at a family function he refused to attend at the last-minute. Of course I was being totally selfish when I got angry. When he realized my bags were packed he turned on the tears and begged me to stay, he made all kinds of empty promises.

– Remember this: If you decide you have had enough of his pathological lying, infidelity, and chronically being fired for stealing and kick him out; he will recite everything he ever did wrong to you, take total blame, give a tearful apology and one week later when you find out he hasn’t done anything to change and remind him of his promises he will look you straight in the eye and say, “I told you what I knew you wanted to hear.” and accuse you of living in the past.

– He has studied mind control, all the tricks on how to get any woman to go to bed with him, and he will look you right in the eye and lie! Even when you catch him red handed he will deny deny deny and then get angry, don’t push him, he will hit you. It’s called narcissistic rage. The worst thing you can do is tell a narcissist he/she is wrong or challenge their lies.

– At first sex was great, we slept wrapped together all night. He even made a point of mentioning how a couple sleep together is an indication of how “connected” they are and he’d never been able to sleep snuggled up all night with anyone like the way we slept. We would make love and he would want to fall asleep while he was still inside me, often waking up several times in the night to do it again. He couldn’t get enough of me; but soon he came to bed later and later, and would make it to bed just in time to get laid before I had to go to work. The last couple of years he was falling asleep anywhere but in bed with me.

– he was an attentive lover at first and every time we broke up, between those times it was all about him, I was taking too long to orgasm, oral sex was reserved for those times he was trying to win me back and in the end he wouldn’t even pull his jeans down and just undo his zipper. I never rejected him, because I loved him with all my heart and I didn’t want to give him any reason to go elsewhere. In 10 years, even when we were split I never so much as kissed another man.
He will eventually treat you with loathing. When I cried and offered to leave because it was obvious he didn’t love me he told me I was being too sensitive and paranoid.

He came to me after about 3 months of no contact, he had moved to Red Deer and I had gone on with my life: and begged me to come back to him, to give him “one last 2nd chance”. He was crying, telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need, he proposed, he made love to me like never before and made me repeat over and over that I knew he loved me. He apologized for everything he ever did wrong without blaming me for anything. he acknowledged how hard I had worked and how I had put up with more than any woman should have to.He also told me he had been given 6 months to live. I found out over the course of 2 years that when he promised total honesty and faithfulness he was alternating living with two women in Alberta, had only hidden his profile on POF, and still writing a woman in Africa promising to bring her to Canada and marry her.

– He had many ads on many sites, looking for sex, love and any age was fair game.

– One time I counted 102 porn sites saved on the computer.

– Speaking of the internet, he has discovered all the ways to hide his activity on the net, if you are not computer savvy you have no idea the 2nd false life he leads on the net.

– Sounds weird I know, but he injured himself every time I thought I’d had enough and I’d have to take care of him. It happened for years until I casually mentioned what a coincidence it was that every time we had a fight he got injured, then it never happened again.

– Also, every vehicle I had for the 10 yrs I was with him developed a recurring problem that only he could fix or it was stolen. I had 3 cars stolen in 3 years, and numerous, more than I can count; broke down never to run again. That was how he controlled where I went, how much money I had and whether I could leave him or not. It is after all, all about control, him controlling you. You will not control him in any way.

With my last truck alone it was a constant string of truck repairs. He drove my truck until the last torque converter melted and destroyed the new tranny, why would a mechanic do something like that? I have to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t dealing with a normal person, there is no way of knowing why he does the things he does.

Just some of the issues with my truck:

1. He borrowed my truck to go get Tim Horton’s one night. While he was at Tim Horton’s some guys dropped off a car at Ralph’s across the street,he says the guys told him to help himself to the battery, rad etc out of it. So he did. The cops having coffee in Timmy’s of course checked out what he was doing and checked out my truck. They wrote him up for a bald tire and a broken wooden sideboard and gave him an inspection order; that he never told me about. Four months later I am driving through Surrey at 11 at night and get pulled over in a routine check. The police ask to see my inspection sheet, I give them my valid inspection sheet that doesn’t expire for another 6 months but they insist I had another inspection order. I don’t know what they are talking about, but they take the plate, put my truck “out of service”, fined me close to $2500 and call the tow truck. Now I can’t put it back on the road until it passes a full inspection, it can’t even be driven to the inspection facility it has to be towed. He still did not recall getting the inspection order. When I called the Department of Transport office she brought it up on the computer and said, “Does the name ____________ sound familiar?”Then, shortly there after he found the ticket in a coat pocket. That episode cost me $2500 in fines. Plus it meant that it had to be inspected and we knew it was needing brakes and power steering box. He kept saying he had a guy who would come to the house to inspect the truck, 3 weeks went by and nothing. So I drove it (yes I know it was illegal but I was desperate)to a shop, paid the $125 and had it inspected. He had fixed the steering box so I assumed he had fixed the brake line leak, but when the guy inspecting the truck looked, there was a pair of vice grips on the brake line!

2. I immediately bought the parts necessary for the brake job. The truck sat for another full month with him promising to do the brakes every weekend but never doing them.

3. The starter went on the truck, it was on warranty so it wasn’t going to cost anything but 3 weeks went by and it didn’t get done, so I paid to have the truck towed to a shop and repaired. I still owe for that repair.

4.His F250 was stuck in a friends muddy field, he was using my truck to try to pull it out. I could smell something burning but he wouldn’t stop. He is the one who told me a long time ago that you could burn out your tranny that way. I finally lost it and demanded he stop. When he did there was smoke coming from under the hood. But did he stop then? NO! He kept at it until there were flames. I was furious and told him he owed me a new tranny. But the next day when we pick it up it worked ok, but he told me I should change my tranny fluid. I didn’t know how, money was tight and after all he was the one who overworked it. I bought the tranny fluid, but it never got done. There’s more incidents like this but you get the idea. The tranny fluid ended up going into his transport truck.

– Keep detailed records of any money he gives you and what you spend, also keep a journal because he changes how and what happens to suit his agenda, if you haven’t kept track you probably won’t remember and even if you do it is his word against yours and he won’t back down.
Somehow you will always owe him money, it doesn’t matter if you make sure you pay for all your own expenses and most of his, out of the blue he will come up with a figure he thinks you owe him. I got in the habit of asking, “Is this a gift or will you expect me to pay for it later, because I can’t afford it so don’t want it, if it is a gift then thank you.”

Never assume anything!!

– He will bitch profusely about all the work and money he’s put into your vehicle and all of a sudden he will have an invoice for you in the thousands for work he’s done.

– He will be relentless about badgering you for payment.

– Eventually either the personal ads, his off and on affection for you (he used to say his love was cycleable) or his badgering you for money will get the better of you, you will explode and you will either be hit(punched) or strangled. He will NOT be sorry.

– If you are emotionally distraught about your child, or someone important to you other than him he will try to control that by not letting you leave or phone until you “calm down” and will resort to physical restraint. If you fight that he will hit you.

– You will discover he is writing love letters to at least one other woman but he will somehow blame you for driving him to it.
– Throughout all this he will have moments of seemingly genuine remorse and will make all sorts of promises, cry, write poetry, anything he thinks will win you over with his charms.

– In 10 yrs he was fired from every job he had, the longest he held a job was one year, most don’t last past the 3 month probationary period.

– He is always “falsely” accused of stealing.
– Rest assured he is lying to you, about how much money he makes, where he spends his money, that he didn’t call because his phone needed charging, that he was working late.

– Quite by accident his best buddy told me something he had told him and it was nowhere near the truth, after that we compared notes several times a week; he lies about everything, even things he has no reason to lie about.

– He will be late, always, whether you have Christmas dinner planned, its your birthday, you have a houseful of people coming, you are going to an event he’s known about for weeks, you WILL be left waiting for him and you WILL miss things that are very important to you.

– although he was generous in the beginning, he has kept track of every dime he has spent on you and after a while not only will you be paying your own way every where but his also. Whereas he used to leave little love notes for you to wake up to and he would buy you flowers for no occasion after a year or so you won’t get gifts any more, not for your birthday, Christmas, or Valentines. I stopped caring but he would make sure to ruin any celebration I had planned.

– he will stop caring if you are enjoying sex, you’ll be lucky if he uses lube let alone to get you aroused. But if you break up, be ready for some of the best sex you’ve ever had, until he’s got you back.

– all his friends either accuse him of stealing or screwing them on a deal, he has no long-term friends because he is not a friend to anyone unless he has something to gain from the friendship. When he does make a new friend he takes on their views and beliefs and calls them daily, gives them gifts and is almost obsessed with them (just like he was with you in the beginning)

– he is passive aggressive and he WILL get even. Something of sentimental value to you will disappear or get broken, by accident of course. By the time we split I had nothing of value left. He loaded my camper on my truck with a bobcat, drove over my possessions with the bobcat, threw my stuff in a muddy pasture and hosed it down. He promised to help me move and then never showed up so I lost my furniture. He stole mementos like my son’s baby teeth, a gold booty charm I got when my son was born and poured antifreeze on all my photos to name just a few things.

– what’s yours is his and what’s his is his and he will not treat your possessions with respect, nor you for that matter.

– Watching a TV show?, he’ll start playing the guitar. Gotta go to bed early he’ll find a way to keep you awake, sick? Forget it if you think he’s going to nurse you, you’ll be lucky if he’ll take you to the hospital when you are REALLY sick, in fact he’ll probably make sure to not be home at all if you are sick.

– He doesn’t do dishes, not if you have been sick for 2 weeks with pneumonia or away for a few days, the dishes will be waiting for you when you are well again or back home.

– He is a slob. He will stop showering daily, stop dressing nice and you will wonder where the clean well dressed guy you met disappeared to, yet when he is going out he will dress up. Where is he going? do you really know?

He has probably isolated you, somehow managed to move you to a remote location so he can control you easier and you don’ t have a support system of family and friends. He will make sure you don’t have a vehicle so when he is gone you can’t go look for him or leave without him. You will be reliant on him for everything, to take you to the doctor, to visit your family, to go grocery shopping; he wants you home but don’t expect him to be accountable for his activities.

I bet shortly after you met him he borrowed a small sum of money and paid you right back, so when he needed a large amount you felt confident he would pay you back. I bet he hasn’t has he? but he has acquired new guitars, motorcycles, and vehicles.

There is more but if that isn’t enough then look out, you are as big a sucker as I was and he WILL break you. After a while you won’t be able to do anything right, you can’t because he keeps changing the rules. When he has used you up he will say he can’t take it any more and he wants out, oh he’ll let you stay because he wouldn’t want to see you with nowhere to go, but its over for him. If it is your house he will refuse to leave. If you tell him to get out he will go away and come back like nothing ever happened. If you lock him out he will threaten to kick the door down so you will let him in for fear of what the neighbors think. If you put his stuff outside he will pretend he doesn’t notice and come in any way, he may be very loving and seem to have changed, if you let him in the house he will slowly bring his stuff back in the house. If you call the police they won’t help. If he has given you any money you will be told it is a rental  agreement and you must serve him with an eviction notice, if he hasn’t given you money then it is considered a domestic issue and the police won’t get involved unless there are signs of domestic violence. If he is driving your vehicle (because he owes the insurance company so much money he can’t afford the insurance) by law, if you didn’t tell him that if he did not return it by a certain date and time you would report it stolen; the police will not help you get it back. You can not cancel the insurance if you don’t have the license plates and anyway if you cancel the insurance he will just drive it without insurance and seeing as it is in your name if he has an accident they will come after you not him. PLUS depending on how long you have been together you may be considered to be married by law and if you don’t have a prenuptial agreement he is entitled to half of everything you own anyway.

You probably have so much money invested in the relationship you know that if you kick him out you will never see your money again. Face it, you are never going to see your money again anyway. You are best to cut your losses and kick him out now before he costs you any more money. If you haven’t figured it out by now, he does not live up to his obligations, he owes everyone and has an excuse why he doesn’t have to pay the debt and it is always someone else’s fault.

About now you just want the man you met back, you want to feel loved again, you try to be more loving because he says you are driving him away with your unreasonable demands for fidelity, accountability and honesty. You will say I love you and he will refuse to say it back because that is what you want. He will act like he loathes you and the times he is loving are fewer and farther between. You will grovel and beg him to please just tell you what he wants, he’ll say “I know I don’t want this” and walk away with a rolling of his eyes and a look of disgust You want that sweet loving man you met back and will do almost anything to revive him but you don’t know how to reach him. You try to discuss things rationally with him like you used to (remember  how when you first met he told you that you were different from all the rest, he could talk to you because you were so calm and rational not like his psycho exs?) so you choose your words carefully, try to pick a time when he isn’t angry and unapproachable and as non-confrontational as possible you try to talk to him about your concerns and how much you love him and just want to know if he still loves you and wants to be with you. But the man who cried the first time he said I love you, the sensitive guy who you talked to for hours in the beginning and told you that you were all the woman he would ever want is now cold and distant, annoyed with your emotional display.  Sorry, the man you met was an illusion, a figment of your imagination that he expertly brought to life in order to hook you. The joke’s on you and he is smug about being able to pull one over on you. To him your displays of emotion are nothing more than attempts to control him. You have been sucked into an elaborate game of strategy, he is continually planning his next move, he must “win” and you are now the enemy. He is a pathological liar, and cheater and assumes you are also. Life is a game where there are no loyalties, no compassion, no empathy, no commitments, only the world against him in his quest to find happiness by fulfilling his every desire any way he can. But he is empty, he has no soul, he was born disabled and can not feel love, empathy or compassion, he has no conscience so feels no guilt, in his mind you deserve to be treated with loathing because you were stupid enough to get sucked in by his lies. He is superior to you because he is smarter than that, to him emotions are a weakness or a weapon. in a normal relationship if you say, “Please stop doing that, it hurts me.” the person will stop, with a narcissist all he sees is you trying to control him and will do it again just to prove you can’t tell him what to do. If he hurts you and you break up with him he will stop at nothing to get you back, say anything, promise everything, admit to everything. if you take him back he isn’t happy to have you back, he sees you as weak and stupid for believing him and for that he will punish you with worse treatment. Every time you forgive him and he gets away with whatever transgression he sees it as a challenge. If he got away with that, what else can he get away with? He needs to hurt you, he gets off on your pain and he must increase the pain he inflicts because like with any addiction he needs more and more. At first the personal ads were good enough but you forgave that, so now he had to exchange pictures and write love letters, when you forgive that he has to date them.

You, you have compromised so many of your boundaries you don’t have any “deal breakers” any more, you don’t know what you believe any more, the lines between right and wrong are blurred. You are ashamed to tell your friends how the relationship really is because you know deep down it isn’t right or fair but he is so adamant that you are to blame, you don’t even know anymore. You just want the pain to stop.

How long the relationship lasts is dependent totally on when he finds your replacement.

If you leave him before he is ready he will stalk you, harass you and you will believe he could kill you. If you call the police he will be on the phone at the same time laying charges against you or whoever might come to your defense. He will forge your signature on legal documents, insurance papers or a bill of sale.

He will get you evicted time after time and if you move, once you are back on your feet he will be back and slowly but surely he will move in. In 10 yrs he paid the rent for 2 yrs and lived with me the other 8.

Do not doubt the depth of evil within this man,  if you have a gut feeling you are in danger do not doubt it! When ever he thought I was truly going to leave was when he got the scariest.

He taped us having sex, he had a hidden camera pointed at the chair I usually sat at, he would listen in on conversations and track me through my phone. He sabotaged my brakes, and power steering on my truck more than once and tampered with my tires resulting in me blowing a front tire going 110 km on the freeway. Your imagination is not playing tricks on you, you are not being too suspicious or paranoid.

There is a reason he doesn’t want you to meet his ex’s and it isn’t because they are psycho bitches.

Think about it. Like I said to him once. “You must be concerned about yourself.” He said no why do you say that? I said, “Because all your ex’s are psycho bitches. Either you are attracted to psycho bitches or you turn women into psycho bitches, either way you have a real problem. I’d be concerned if I were you”

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Narcissistic Rage Cycle

Hell hath no fury or contempt as a narcissist you dare to disagree with, tell they’re wrong, or embarrass.
Rage is a destructive action. It is intended to hurt, actually break someone or something. It is also blind and the attack is often against an innocent helpless person or child. We speak of a person being ‘in a blind rage,’ or being ‘blind with rage.’  Rage is also explosive, which means that it cannot be easily steered once it blows. Rage develops when a person feels that his power is thwarted or frustrated. In rage, memory is laid down differently. For all these reasons, rage is often called dissociative rage.

Rage works by short-circuiting the experience of shame that is, the feeling of being inferior or not enough, or not good enough. Rage can be contrasted to a healing and universal experience and emotion: anger. Rage can be thought of as a kernel of anger distorted by internalized shame.

While any rage is very damaging in relationships, unless rage is truly rare, it tends to develop into a pattern or cycle. This has been called the “cycle of violence” the “cycle of abuse,” or the “rage cycle” The most visible part of the rage cycle is the outburst, which may include verbal violence, physical violence, addictive behavior, or dramatic exits. An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor’s arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however.

A tell-tale sign that rage is serving the purpose of power and control is that the primary aggressor is unwilling to discuss the outburst later in any meaningful or honest way. Apologies don’t count. Fairly soon, the raging person’s expectations are not met and the tension phase starts. Tension further distorts perception, and routine events or small frustrations are seen as large offenses by the raging person and an outburst results

In an episode of rage, the flight or fight system is strongly activated. This makes everyone around the raging person to be perceived and then treated as a threat or an enemy. In this distorted perception, it makes no sense to be fair or accountable to ‘enemies.’ That means that even if irresponsibility does not fit with the primary aggressor’s own self-image, a frequently raging person will by definition be irresponsible. Others will stop asking anything that ‘sets off’ the primary aggressor. This becomes an additional reinforcement, and frequently, any request to be accountable sets off an episode.

Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop ‘amnesia’ about what happened.

Other characteristic traits of such narcissists** (and this also applies to the female variety) include:

  • Control freaks
  • Irritability
  • Short fuses
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Argumentative
  • Need to have the last word
  • Unable to lose
  • Won’t take “No” for an answer
  • Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
  • Quick to being aggressively defensive if you call them on any deficiency, fault or responsibility
  • Can’t apologize or if do, can’t do it sincerely
  • Rarely say, “Thank you” or “Congratulations”
  • Don’t feel or demonstrate remorse
  • Feel entitled to enthusiastic and appreciative approval, adoration, agreement and obedience
  • Gloat in victory, sullen in defeat
  • Quick to rage if you humiliate them

What is the connection between narcissism and rage?

There is a saying that when you’re a hammer the world looks like a nail.  When you’re a narcissist, the world looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that a narcissist feels justified in raging back at it.

What is at the core of narcissists is not what is often referred to as low self esteem.  I don’t think that is accurate, but something that the people around them say to themselves to mollify their own rage at the narcissist, i.e. “Oh, they only act that way, because they lack self-esteem.”

What is really at the core of narcissists is an instability in their ability to feel and sustain feeling bigger, larger, smarter and more successful than everyone else which they need to feel stable.  And just as Hamlet’s mother said, “the lady doth protest too much,” “the narcissist doth brag, scorn, talk down, primp and belittle too much” in order to continually prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life.  This is not to increase their self-esteem as much as it is to continually spackle the holes in their core that lead to a feeling of instability—and that, if not spackled, will lead to brittleness followed by fragmentation.

Narcissistic rage occurs when that core instability is threatened and furthermore threatened to destabilize them even further.  Not unlike a wounded animal being the most vicious (because they think the next wound would kill them), narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists believe the next insult/assault to their grandiose based stability would shatter them.

In essence the reason narcissists are so self-centered is that their grandiosity based center needs to be constantly reinforced to remain stable.

Source- afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com

Thursday, October 13, 2016

How The Narcissist Tricks Us Into Believing We Are Abusive

Imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone whose vision of you is so overwhelming, that it seems as if you don’t really exist. You can’t be heard or seen. You are constantly misunderstood despite your attempts to explain your thoughts and feelings. Yet this person, the narcissist, your partner, claims to know you better than you know yourself.

The beginning of your relationship was like nothing you had ever experienced before. You got along so well, talked about problems with ease, shared yourself without fear, and resolved issues with respect and understanding. Then seemingly out of nowhere everything changed. For me, my “soul mate” disappeared after just 3 months. He went from everything I’d ever wanted to a hateful monster almost overnight.

We become confused when this change occurs. We wonder what we may have done to make the man we love become so angry at us. Why did he suddenly become mean and aggressive, accusatory and manipulative? While this change seems sudden to us, it actually was there the entire time just beneath the surface of his nice guy act.

So how did your relationship go from healthy to abusive? The narcissist felt secure. He felt so secure that he hooked you that he was able to let his mask slip or even fall off completely. He knew you had fallen for him and believed he was a great guy. He knew that if he began abusing you, emotionally at first with little white lies, guilt trips, and some name calling here and there, that you would still be there. You would stay, waiting for your dream guy to return from the dark side. And of course the narcissist would return to his prince charming act and you would breathe a sigh of relief, assuring yourself that it was just a bump in the road. There was nothing you two couldn’t get through.

The cycle of narcissistic abuse will take over the relationship. Things will be bad and then good and this will repeat over and over again, unless you end the relationship. The emotional and verbal abuse will be done to brainwash you. It will strip you of your self-worth, trust in yourself and others, and crush any bit of confidence you have. The narcissist takes everything from you by belittling you, intimidating you with threats and aggressive behaviors or under the ruse of guiding and teaching you. The constant insults, insinuations, and false accusations are so insidious that you won’t realize what is being done to you until it is too late.

Gone is the vibrant woman the narcissist “fell in love” with and declared his soul mate and love of his life. That woman has been replaced with a self-loathing, insecure, indecisive woman who can no longer judge situations realistically. A woman who blames herself for the abuse and only wishes she could somehow get her partner to love her again. She vows to be the best partner she can be. She strives for perfection and believes that if she could just keep from upsetting her narcissist that everything would be alright. He would love her again.

Trying to be the perfect partner to avoid narcissistic abuse never works. In fact, it only makes the narcissist angrier as he will see you trying to be happy and trying to make him happy, so he will need to put an end to this. You aren’t allowed to be happy and the narcissist will do anything to get you to crumble. They want you to react to their abuse with anger. They want you to get mad. They NEED you to yell and scream. They need you to defend your position so they can knock you down by claiming you are the abusive one. The crazy person.

To get you to your breaking point the narcissist will manufacture problems. They will create issues out of thin air in the hopes that you will become defensive and angry. They will push until you do and when you do react with rage or you swear, they will use this as their evidence to label you the one with the problem. They will change their entire demeanor and become calm and soft spoken. They will say you are abusing them and that you are the one with the anger problem. My ex would ask me why I was so angry. Or he would say “I’m sorry you’re so angry. Hope you feel better.”

If you bring up an issue with the narcissist do not expect any type of resolution. The narc will use decoy arguments to invalidate his partner. You will bring up an issue and the narc will bring up another event to distract you. So you will go from trying to discuss something that is currently bothering you to arguing over a past event that has nothing to do with the current issue.

You will never win when dealing with a narcissist. The minute you get angry, even if it you only got really angry one time, the narcissist will use that one time to remind you that you are the abuser and they are the victim. They will remind you that you also yell and scream. They will remind you that you called them names as well. They will bring up that one time you pushed them (which you did because you were trying to get away from them.) They will bring up a lie you told and from then on you will be called a liar, even though they lied continuously and you have caught them.

The abusive narcissist is smart, cunning, and able to manipulate his way through life. He gets want he wants by taking from others. He is a soulless predator who gets high on hurting others. To the outside world he is a charming, sweet guy. A devoted father and husband who loves his wife. Behind closed doors he takes off his mask of wholesomeness and allows his true self to come out.

“Those things that hurt, instruct.” Benjamin Franklin

Source- narcnation