Saturday, September 24, 2016

When the narcissist is left alone


Written by Anne McCre

I have a strong belief that people who treat others poorly and have no empathy or compassion for others, will be shown no compassion in later life when their looks are gone and all that is left is an empty shell.  We are always told to look on the inside, look at how someone treats others, look at their heart and look at their soul.  What’s on the outside doesn’t really matter.  It’s the inside that counts.  What’s on the inside of a narcissist?  Nothing, zero, zilch.  They have spent their entire lives abusing others, knowing what they do and without a second thought for the pain that they inflict on others time and time again.

The narcissist is an immature, angry, volatile and controlling individual.  They spend their lives attempting to form relationships.  Sadly, it’s not a partnership they are seeking but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control.  Eventually people get sick and tired of their behaviour and abandon them.  A string of failed relationships adds to their already fragile self ego.   By bringing about their own abandonment as a result of their abusive and despicable behaviour, they inflict upon themselves, a deep narcissistic injury.  Somehow the narcissist will delude themselves into believing that their own self destruction is someone else’s fault.

Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and run out.  They become chronically depressed and  angry and find no pleasure in anything.  Things that they used to enjoy, no longer hold their interest.  Their world has become hostile, their social life, non-existent.  No one wants to be in their company for any length of time.  They often become a hermit, closed off from the outside world blaming everyone else for the situation that they find themselves in.   The longer the lack of supply continues, the worse their insecurities and paranoia become.

The narcissist clings desperately to nothing.  They may create fake profiles on social media in order to stalk people, people that they may never meet or talk to.  Surfing the Internet may give them the opportunity to get a little attention from someone, from  anyone.  They’ve lost faith in themselves.  They don’t like themselves and nobody else likes them either so they think, ‘What’s the point in being nice?’

Life gives back to them exactly what they deserve, loneliness and isolation.  Those who once cared are long gone.  The one thing that they never could control is time.  As they move forward to eternity they have the knowledge that there is a final Judge and this time, it’s not them.

Source- narcissisticandemotionalabuse

Sapiosexuality: Why Some of Us are Attracted Purely by Intelligence (backed by science, of course)


A sapiosexual is defined as: “One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature,” and they are way more common than you’d think. Intelligence truly is sexy, and there is a scientific basis to why.

According to Diana Rabb, a Ph.D. in transpersonal psychology: “The brain is the largest sex organ. Those who admit to being sapiosexual will say that they are turned on by the brain and tend to be teased or excited by the insights of another person. As foreplay, the sapiosexual person may crave philosophical, political or psychological discussions because this turns [him or her] on.”

As a self-admitted sapiosexual, I think attraction has a lot of different elements, but intelligence is the one that shines through the brightest. A common trait among sapiosexuals is that they can almost instantly identify intelligence in others, and when they do, it is found to be extremely attractive. As an example, let’s say you are reading a book about obscure Russian poetry, and someone approaches you and comments on the book. That person actually having knowledge about things that interest your brain, for a sapiosexual, is just about the sexiest scenario they can imagine. There are a lot of reasons that we are attracted to others, but being attracted directly to another person’s brain is considered weird in our current society. To me, that is sad to say the least. Being attracted to intelligence just makes sense.

INTELLIGENCE IS MORE FULFILLING
Sure, there is something to be said about being physically attractive, but unlike looks – intelligence is lasting. Sapiosexuals know that a good conversation is way more fulfilling than just looking good naked. Scientist have suggested a number of reasons that lead us towards understanding the link between intelligence and attraction, but in my opinion it simply boils down to substance. Smart people know that substance goes a long way, especially when it comes to other people. That’s why intelligent people tend to be loners, and why they are very particular about who they share themselves with.

HIGHER IQ MEANS HIGHER SEX DRIVE
The adult sex toy retailer Lovehoney reported that there is a very strong correlation between intelligence and sex drives. Based on their sales data, they showed a “heightened interest in sex among students in the Russell Group of elite universities.” Based on that data, one could extrapolate that smarter people have higher sex drives. That doesn’t however mean that they have more sex. According to a 2007 article entitled “Intercourse and Intelligence,” 80% of U.S. males and 75% of U.S. women have had sex by the age of 19. Compare that to 56% of Princeton undergraduates, 59% of Harvard undergraduates and 51% of MIT undergraduates who report having had sexual intercourse. Amazingly, only 65% of MIT graduate students have ever had sex. To me, this doesn’t mean that smart people have less sex, it means that they are pickier and smarter about it.

EVOLUTIONARY HISTORY
Professor Geoffrey Miller of the University of New Mexico, tested 400 men for their overall intelligence, and then asked them for a sperm sample. What he found was that the men who scored the highest on the cognitive tests had the healthiest sperm. Miller believes that brain quality is tied directly to sperm quality, and is therefore a genetic trait that can be passed down through generations. He explains, “Traits such as language, humor, and intelligence evolved in both sexes, because they were sexually attractive to both sexes.”

So basically language and humor, as they pertain to intelligence, developed as a way to advertise that you had good sperm. If you think of it in terms of human evolution, our ancient ancestors would have wanted an intelligent partner simply for the purposes of survival. A dumb partner would mean a less secure existence. Now granted, we are more evolved creatures now, but I think that the same basic instincts exist in us. We want a funny, intelligent, capable partner because it makes for a better life.


Friday, September 23, 2016

Why A Pisces Is The Most Difficult Person To Understand


Pisces is the 12th, and last, sign in the Zodiac. Their general strengths are compassion, intuition, independence, wisdom and an unique artistic side. Some of Pisces’s weaknesses are that they can be overly trusting, prefer to escape reality, and can be overly emotional.  Pisces are referred to as the dreamers of the zodiac.  They use their brilliance and imagination to escape reality when they dislike the reality they are faced with.

Because Pisces is the last sign in the Zodiac, the eleven preceding signs indirectly impart a variety of characteristics on Pisces.  This explains the innate tendency of Pisces to be indecisive and in constant inner duels with themselves.  They can be the most confusing, difficult to understand, people you know.  Here are some reasons why:

They have overwhelming empathy
Their intuitive and imaginative natures give Pisces a strong sense of empathy, which can be a double edged sword. They can easily confuse another’s emotions with their own. This causes enormous strain within themselves, as Pisces begins to neglect their own emotions. The confusion can be overwhelming, and can send them off into a dream world.

They are very independent
Pisces is one of the most independent of the zodiac signs for good reason. They do  everything in their power to not have to rely on others. This pride leads them to pay higher tolls at times because they refuse to ask for help. If you are a Pisces, watch your resources and abilities carefully. 

Remember that your friends would be honored to help you when you need it. If you know a Pisces and want to offer aid, keep in mind their pride. Offer your assistance gently, stressing the mutual respect between you.

Pisces are constantly seeking new experiences
Naturally adventurous, Pisces are always looking out for a new experience or people. This tendency to be on the move consistently can hurt the Pisces’s ability to form lasting connections.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a Pisces, realize that nurturing that sense of adventure will help foster your relationship.  Don’t worry.  These shared experiences will be a great way for the two of you to grow together.

They are dreamers
The ‘dreamer sign’ is another name for Pisces. They are highly intelligent, imaginative, and creative.  This gives them the ability to think of problems and situations in unusual ways.
They are great problem solvers but these traits back fire at times.  When faced with the unsavory elements of life, their imagination can run wild and distort their vision.

They are introverts
Though quite adventurous, Pisces are very introverted, with the two sides in constant conflict with one another.  They find it difficult to be around people they don’t know, so they can present as fake or aloof.  It’s worth it to dig a little deeper.  Because deep inside is a beautiful soul.


Thursday, September 22, 2016

9 Ways Old Souls Express Love Differently


As old souls, we have unique outlooks and distinct personal formations. We differ enough from the norm that it can be hard to engage and understand us romantically.

Below are a couple of those differences. Keep in mind, that we are trying to be there for you, and that is equivalent to a promise to bridge any gaps in good time.

Old Souls Look For A Person That Can Ground Us
WE get caught up in our imaginations and musings, very easily. We need someone that can gently remind us of our responsibilities and goals.

We can focus too much on the ideal product or abstract thoughts, ignoring the here and now. Having someone that we trust and that knows us well enough to pull us back to Earth a must.

We're Unconventional
We aren't tied down by normal societal traits, our search for the truth means we have different priorities than most.

With these different priorities, we use resources in ways that most never consider. Get ready to think outside the box.

Trust Our Instincts
We started learning at a young age, the deeper meanings of live and personal truths.

That coupled with the stored knowledge of our past lives mean that our intuition is rarely wrong. If we say we feel a certain way about something, take it under serious advisement.

We're Known To Brood From Time To Time
Normally seen as serious and reserved characters, we are definitely not pessimistic or moody. This brooding is usually disappointment.

We are disappointed in ourselves, humanity or groups of people. We see the possibilities in everything and get upset when people or institutions fall short of their potential.

Communication Is The Greatest Form of Intimacy
Hugging, sex and cuddling are cool, and we are definitely fans. However, hearing about your childhood, dreams for the future, fears and anything else that is unique to you, gets our goat.

You opening up to us and using your genuine voice to guide us is just about the most beautiful and sexy thing you can do.

Don't Try Too Hard To Impress Us
Be yourself and focus on your goals. Trying to specifically impress us is distracting and off putting. We end up wondering what you are trying to hide or compensate for.

We Can Be Difficult To Understand
We sometimes have a lot of self contradictory wants and methods.
For example: while we crave stability, we are trying to inject chaos and ensure room for spontaneous growth. Just show us your support and we will thrive.

There Are Times That We Will Isolate And Not Wish To Engage
Sometimes we will not want to hear about your day or wish to engage in social activities. It's no that we don't care, it's more we don't have the energy to participate fully.

We care too much and any unforeseen emotional content could send us off the end. Please take the rain check as a sincere promise.

We Don't Have Casual Encounters
We need and crave emotional content and genuine passion. You have to understand and truly care for a person for those formations to occur and be exchanged.


Unloved Daughters and The Code of Silence



It usually comes as an enormous surprise to unloved daughters that there are other girls and women out there who had similar experiences, who were also ignored, dismissed, put down or marginalized by the very individual who was supposed to love them unconditionally. Beginning in childhood and even into adulthood, most of these daughters bear the awful burden of thinking that they’re the only children on the planet singled out in this way. Their hurt is amplified by a code of silence that surrounds this taboo subject. And they tend to keep silent themselves. Why is that?

The reasons vary according to the daughter’s stage of life. These observations are drawn from stories unloved daughters have shared with me.

In childhood, there are three reasons a daughter keeps her silence:

The idealization and myths—that all women are nurturing and that mothering is instinctual—are presented as truths to little girls and they believe them. Of course, if these are true, there has to be something terribly wrong with the unloved daughter for things to be as they are. Not surprisingly, she’s likely to feel ashamed as a result, and her unloving mother becomes the big secret the child feels she has to keep to herself. If she doesn’t, she might end up being even more alone.

A child’s world is very small, and it’s ruled by her mother whom the child has made Queen of the World because she needs her love and approval so badly. Her mother is also the last word on how the events in that little world are to be understood: “You were naughty so I had to punish you” or “Good girls don’t break things but you did” or “Stop skipping. Walk normally. It’s irritating me.” (The last, if it were in Dutch, would be a direct quotation from my childhood.) This too shames the child and underscores her sense of unworthiness and inability to do anything right. She despairs of ever getting her mother to love her and worries that, maybe, her mother is right about her and then no one will ever like or love her. That’s a good incentive to keep your silence.

The mother cares about appearances, worries about what other people think, and needs admiration—and all of that makes her invested in keeping what goes on at home under wraps. Many unloving mothers make sure their daughters look and sound good in public, and they pay attention to behaving lovingly in public which is all the more confusing to a child. Who will ever believe her if she tells? After all, her life looks so perfect from the outside. (This, by the way, was my problem. Additionally, my mother was considered universally charming and beautiful, contrary to popular notions about what witches look like.)

In adolescence and adulthood, the daughter may stay mum for many reasons, among them:

Her need for her mother’s love remains unabated, and she’s still trying desperately to win it. Confrontation—articulating what’s never been acknowledged—is, for many daughters, out of the question because it’s giving up and acknowledging that she will never get the prize she’s after, her mother’s attuned affection. The key thing is that a daughter’s recognition of her wounds (and who wounded her) absolutely coexists with her continued quest to gain her mother’s love and support.

She wants to be “normal” and fit in. Since one of the legacies bequeathed by an unloving mother is often a distrust of other girls and women, and difficulty forming friendships, the last thing an unloved daughter will do during adolescence and even later is to share information that will set her apart. I didn’t confide in anyone, not even my boyfriends, until I was in therapy in my early twenties and I began to realize that my mother’s lack of love for me reflected on her, not me. For example, it was only after Mean Mothers was published (I was 60!) that a college roommate of mine tracked me down, confessing that she’d had a cruel and withholding mother! We’d shared a room the size of a closet, had been friends and visited each other’s homes that sophomore year, but never said a word about our mothers. Of course, since unloving mothers tend to behave well when there’s company in the house, neither of us noticed a thing. We only broke the code of silence forty years later, when each of us had grown children of our own.

She’s afraid no one will believe her or, worse, say it’s her fault her mother didn’t love her. The sad truth is that this fear is more legitimate than not. Generally, people really want to believe the myths, especially the part about the only kind of unconditional love, and they tend either not to believe an unloved daughter or to think she’s exaggerating, especially if it’s “only” (yes, I am being ironic) verbal abuse. The most otherwise understanding friends and lovers, especially if they had loving or even good enough mothers, often don’t get it. They sometimes believe that it just couldn’t have been as bad as you say because “look at how you turned out” and other statements like that. People have trouble believing the truth which is that, sometimes, there’s a hot mess still mourning the mother she deserved under that outwardly polished and successful exterior.

Ironically, it’s when the healing starts that unloved daughters finally find their voices and the courage to break the silence. If you are a friend of an unloved daughter, please sit and listen without judgment. Things are not always what they seem. And if you are an unloved daughter, you are not the only one on the planet. Really. Not by a long shot. #breakthecodeofsilence.


Photography by Zack Minor. Copyright free. Unsplash.com

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Are You An Empath? These Are The 4 Types Of Narcissists You're Attracting


I'm an empath. I'm a healer. I absorb what other people are feeling it and feel it as if it were my own. My own pain, my own anguish, my own hurt. Narcissists rarely know an empath's boundaries. It makes us easy to bond with. We eat their pain like breakfast lunch and dinner.

This is my theory…

From my own experience and studies on the narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. 

If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated as a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to "ultimately fix". That is where the trouble begins and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist, the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and a painful awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.

This article was originally published - elephantjournal

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

How not to raise a narcissist



In a new study led by Eddie Brummelman, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Amsterdam, found that parental warmth led to high self-esteem. And children whose parents believed they were more special or entitled than other children grew more narcissistic. Photo illustration by Getty Images

Think telling your children they’re special will help them reach higher, work harder and bravely pursue their dreams? Maybe. But you might also be making them narcissists.

New research published this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that children whose parents told them they were “special” and “superior” grew more narcissistic over time
.
Everyone recognizes a narcissist, said Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University, and author of “The Narcissism Epidemic” and “Generation Me.” Narcissists have an overinflated sense of self, and suffer from vanity, materialism, entitlement, a lack of empathy and overvaluing their abilities and skills.

In short, “they’re jerks,” Twenge said.

Narcissistic traits start appearing in children as young as seven. That’s the age they start comparing themselves to others.

And narcissism is not to be confused with high self-esteem, especially in young children, said Eddie Brummelman, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Amsterdam and lead author of the study.
“Narcissistic children feel superior to others, believe they are entitled to privileges, and want to be admired by others. Children with high self-esteem feel satisfied with themselves” as people, he wrote in an email.

But the narcissists are also aggressive, prone to bullying others and lashing out when they don’t get their way. They have problems maintaining personal relationships. And narcissism doesn’t lead to success, Twenge said.

“There’s this idea that you have to be self-absorbed to succeed, and that’s not true. (Narcissists) end up failing,” she said. “They alienate people. They take too many risks.”

Millennials, those born between 1980 and the early 2000s, have been accused of being the most narcissistic generation, but it’s a trend that’s been rising in Western cultures since at least the 1970s, Twenge said. And some research indicates that the increasing emphasis on the individual goes all the way back to the Renaissance, she said.

But why do kids grow up to be narcissists? There are two prevailing — and contradictory — theories, Twenge said. Some say parents who overpraise and emphasize a child’s specialness raise narcissists. Others say it stems from the opposite: kids who are undervalued and treated harshly.

Brummelman studied 565 children in the Netherlands between the ages of 7 and 11 and their parents. They surveyed the families four times, with six months between each visit. Children filled out questionnaires, ranking statements like “kids like me deserve something extra” and “kids like me are happy with themselves as a person,” and “my father/mother lets me know he/she loves me”. Parents were asked how they regarded their children, either by overvaluing (“my child is more special than other children”) or how warmly they treated them (“I tell my child I love him/her”).

Brummelman found that parental warmth led to high self-esteem. And children whose parents believed they were more special or entitled than other children were more likely to be narcissistic.

“When people attempt to raise children’s self-esteem, they might sometimes inadvertently use ‘overvaluing’ practices, such as conveying to children that they are superior to others. Instead of raising self-esteem, these practices may predict higher narcissism levels,” Brummelman said.

Overall, the study found that fathers were more likely than mothers to overvalue their children, saying that their kids were more special or entitled. It could be that those parents were a bit narcissistic themselves, Brummelman said, and narcissism may be passed on from one generation to the next.

So how do you raise kids with high self-esteem who aren’t narcissists?

“Instead of saying, ‘You’re special,’ say ‘I love you,’” said Twenge, who has three daughters of her own. People have confused overvaluing specialness with love, she said. Saying “I love you” rather than emphasizing your child’s specialness sounds overly simple, but it works, she said.

“That’s what parents mean anyway, and it’s a much better message.”


This article originally published on - pbs.org