Tuesday, April 11, 2017


If you’re an empath, you probably already know that you see and feel things in a unique way. Empaths have the innate ability to truly understand other people, whether they know them well or not. With their unprecedented abilities to be selfless in a self-serving world, empaths might often feel used by others or out of place. But empaths, I’m here to let you know there are more people like you out there than you think. Upon discovering the term “empath,” it really helped explain a few things about why I am the way I am. There are a lot of ways I can describe my personality: introverted, INFJ, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), but I think being an empath is really at the core of who I am. (What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)

So, here are 11 things that helped me explain some of the out-of-the-ordinary parts of my personality I didn’t understand before. They may not be true for every introverted empath, but they are definitely true to the empath in me:

1. Empaths walk in other people’s shoes with little effort. One of the easiest things for an empath to do is understand what another person is going through. That is, in essence, the definition of the word “empathy,” which Merriam-Webster describes as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” In short, empathy is walking in someone’s shoes even if they’ve walked a completely different path than anything you’ve experienced. Now, this isn’t to say that empaths have a supernatural ability to comprehend any human situation, experience, or feeling — we’re just better at it than most.

2. We feel deeply. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s as if my emotions seem to be more heightened than others around me. This can be both a blessing and a curse. On the upside, people will know I care about them without me even having to really say it. However, there are times where a greater tendency towards apathy would make my life easier; it’s tiring to constantly be experiencing strong emotions. For example, when I’m grieving — whether it be the loss of a loved one or a dramatic and unpleasant change in my life — my insomnia worsens, my moods plunge, I listen to a lot of sad music, and it becomes all too easy to choke up and lose myself.

3. We can be brought to tears over seemingly insignificant things. I’ve cried while looking at an exhibit in a museum, reading books, listening to someone tell a story, and especially while watching or reading the news. Tears come easy to me but when they do, I often need to assess where they’re coming from: the empath in me or the HSP. Both aspects of my personality can lead to an emotional response, but it’s important to identify in myself where the emotion is coming from in order to move on from that moment.

4. We are passionate. One reason we may get emotional easily is that we have a large capacity for passion. If there’s a subject, people group, or situation we truly care about helping, we will throw ourselves into the effort. If we believe what we’re doing will truly help someone, we may even be willing to go out of our comfort zones to get it done — even us introverted empaths.

5. We listen because we truly care. It’s against our nature not to care. We go beyond the shallow definition of “people-pleaser” because we not only place a lot of value in how others perceive us but also in that we don’t want to let anyone down. We have a passion for other people, and one thing about people is they love to feel heard. As empaths, we know this and look to offer a listening ear.

6. We love serving. Empaths have servant hearts: It’s hard for us to see suffering and not want to help. When we’re choosing how to spend our time, we often look for activities that have a purpose and meaning behind them. While I’ve been a student, I’ve always been drawn to organizations surrounding volunteer work. Maybe it’s partially nurture — how I was raised — but I think it’s also definitely a part of my nature, linked to the empath I am. Looking after others is also one of the ways we ourselves feel fulfilled because it’s often easier to focus on the struggles of others rather than ourselves.

7. We get other people’s feelings but not always our own. It’s kind of like having the ability to know who is crushing on your friend but being completely oblivious to the possibility that someone likes you. Reading other people’s feelings? For an empath, that’s a piece of cake. Sorting out our own inner turmoil? More often than not, a complete and utter fail. You’d think self-awareness is a fundamental human trait, but for some of us, it’s a bit trickier to figure out. Empaths feel and understand so much that sifting out their own feelings from the feelings of others can be a daunting task — albeit a necessary one.

8. We read people well. Empaths often consider the effect their words will have on the listener, because they want to know that what they’re saying or doing isn’t going to negatively impact someone. This mode of calculated conversation and action can provide empaths with a large store of knowledge as to what makes people tick.

9. We have strong, lasting connections with people we may not have interacted with in years. Once we bond with someone, it can often take on a “till-death-do-us-part” type of existence. Distance, separation, and time may cause our surface level relationship to corrode, but we still feel a strong affinity for the person who meant a lot to us at one point in time, even long after we’ve parted ways.

10. We’re often labeled as being overly sensitive or emotional. Telling someone that an emotional response makes them weak is an argument people have been using against various groups for ages. They may not be singled out in this, but empaths often fall into one or more of the groups under such reproach. Especially if you’re a male empath, people might see your sensitivity and tell you that you need to “man up.” Our culture associates masculinity and power with rationality — as if an emotional response is never the rational one. (Personally, I think there are many scenarios in which it could be construed as highly irrational to lack any emotion.) So empaths, stay strong in your own uniquely sensitive way; the world could use a whole lot more people like you.

11. Empaths are sought after but often underappreciated. Not all empaths are introverts, but the ones that are tend to be affected more by this one. When you’re a genuine, attentive listener who gives good advice, people and their problems tend to flock to you. It doesn’t even matter if they know you hardly at all, but something about empaths makes people decide to bare their souls. It’s not really that much of a shock that this happens if you consider how good at being understanding empaths are, though it can at times become frustrating. We do care immensely about the well-being of others, and that’s why we may bite our tongues and sit down to listen to someone rant about the same things again. However, empaths need to beware of one-sided relationships where they’re giving all of themselves and not receiving anywhere near the same in return.

A Final Note to Empaths
My dear empaths, you were born hard-wired to put others first. Your selfless attitude is both courageous and compassionate. Just don’t forget that it’s important to take care of yourself, too. There will be people who won’t appreciate your sensitivity or will seek to use your empathetic demeanor for their own gain; and these are the people that are not worth anguishing over. Instead, seek out the people and the places that will value you and support you as much as you support them. And don’t let someone convince you that caring for other people isn’t worth it. But then again, I’m sure you know that already.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Empaths are Not Here to Transmute Other People’s Energy

There’s a dangerous idea being posted on the Internet that the purpose of an empath is to transform negative energy into positive. I know personally how dangerous this is, as I believed this was my purpose for many years before I even learned there was a word for who I am — an empath. A person who has a direct experience of other people’s feelings, thoughts and physical sensations.

Empaths are naturally drawn to healing. Where this can go awry is when we begin to self-identify as a ‘rescuer’ of others. Since I was a child, I could easily pick up anyone’s energetic state — I read them using my empathic antennae, having a knowing of their pain while at the same time being able to see their Divine inner essence. Because I was born with this gift, I mistakenly thought I was somehow responsible for everyone else’s emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

I didn’t want them to be in pain because when they’re hurting — so was I. So, I took their hurting into my mind, my heart and my physical body in an attempt to release them from it. And, of course other people allowed me to do it, some even deliberately pouring their wounds into me because it provided them with the temporary relief that at least someone else understood what they were experiencing.

I lost myself.

I could not differentiate who I was from their pain. I stayed in dysfunctional after dysfunctional relationship, thinking I was ‘helping’ others step up into their power, but instead I was actually encouraging their victimhood. Why would someone need to face their own wounds and do their own healing when I was holding all of their pain for them?

The cost to me was enormous.

At one point, I simply shut off all external emotional reactions. I remember during an employee review my supervisor asking me, ‘Bevin, do you ever feel anything?’ I never see you get angry or sad…’ What? Are you kidding me, I feel absolutely everything! This was one of many wake-up calls to come…

Wake-up call #2 came after ten years of a friendship with a woman who experienced a very difficult childhood and manifested those wounds into really poor life choices. Every time I thought that she was starting to get her life together, making positive steps, she would self-sabotage. I was there to help pick up the pieces over and over until one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and closed the door on our friendship forever. I still think about her and if I’m being honest still hold hope that she was able to heal and create the life she deserves.

I went through the same process several more times: holding other people’s pain before finally awakening to the impact. Experienced this in a past marriage and with a close family member. I came across people in my workplaces with deep wounds and for a while I attracted them out in the dating world.

I’ve come to understand that these relationships were brought into my life not for me to heal them, but so I could learn how to set healthy boundaries. So I could learn how to simply hold space for other people to do their own healing, but not hold their actual pain. We each need our own challenges and struggles in life in order to grow. If I pick up and carry someone else’s baggage, I am denying them an important personal growth experience.

I can now begin the deep healing process in my own heart, my own mind and my own body — which has held so many wounds from others inside. The chronic body pain I’ve lived with since age 8? I no longer wish to carry that pain, let me clarify, I will not ask my body to carry that pain any longer.

As an empath, you are not responsible for transmuting other people’s energy, other people’s pain. You are only responsible for healing yourself, embracing that strong, beautiful, loving light within you and radiating out as an example to others. Letting go and allowing them to experience their own personal journey while you experience yours.

I invite you to join me for an online, interactive workshop on Tuesday, April 11 from 6:30–8PM (CST) called ‘Letting Go of Perfectionism’.

Trying to be perfect takes a real toll on your mental and emotional well-being. How can you lift the enormous weight off your shoulders, accepting that you’re not single-handedly responsible for everything and everyone?

Aouthor- Bevin Niemann

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Trust After Emotional Abuse

When we have faith in ourselves, we also have faith in humanity. So there is hope and happiness to be found on the other side of the darkness.

When you are thrown away by a psychopath, or when you choose to leave him or her, you are devastated and numb. You feel shattered, and you really have no idea how to reassemble the pieces of your broken life. Before your encounter with evil, you may have believed in the inherent goodness of others. And you probably thought you could correctly identify those who are worthy of your love and devotion. As you begin to realize how deeply you were betrayed, and you learn about the depravity that characterizes psychopathic behavior, you will probably have a strong urge to build protective armor around your heart. You may even believe that you will never—can never—trust anyone new ever again. But if you allow yourself to stay in such a hopeless place, you will become forever isolated and unhappy. Authentic trust is essential in loving, intimate relationships. So, how do you move past your fear and trust again?

Finding Self-Forgiveness
The realization that you were duped and manipulated by a predator generates strong feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. You wonder how you could have made such a terrible mistake, and you probably feel so, so stupid! You may tend to beat yourself up and sometimes become your own worst enemy. It is important, first, to acknowledge that all of these emotions are normal and okay. It takes much time to feel them fully and work through them, and the process is far from neat and tidy. Try to be patient with yourself and with life in general. It is impossible to rush through recovery. It is also so critical to be very gentle with yourself and become your own best friend. You can give yourself positive affirmations and make a deliberate effort to stop the negative thoughts that might creep in. This is the challenging path toward self-forgiveness and self-love. You trusted the wrong person because you did not know such monsters existed. The abuse was never your fault! When you internalize these truths, and when you begin to listen more carefully to your heart, you will discover something deep within you that is extremely valuable…your intuition.

Listening To Your Intuition
Your intuition has cried out to you in varying degrees and at many points in your life. You simply did not always know how to correctly interpret what it was telling you. That is because intuition is naturally an unclear, hazy phenomenon, and listening well to it requires practice through life experiences. It is helpful to pay attention to your gut feelings in retrospect. For example, you can start by thinking back to the beginnings of your previous romantic relationships, including your encounter with the psychopath. Did your body give you any warnings that something was wrong? If so, think carefully about those warnings and how they connected to later problems. Your intuition not only is useful in keeping you safe from toxic people, it also lets you know when any situation is not right for you, even if the circumstances are relatively danger-free. So by identifying gut feelings and the reasons for them in a variety of past experiences, you become better equipped to listen to your intuition in the future. And your new understanding of predatory behavior gives you the knowledge you need to ensure that you will tune into your gut from now on and never become emotionally involved with another psychopath. However, even though your intuition is there to guide you, so often you doubt it because you doubt yourself. In order to listen to it effectively, you need to build up your self-confidence.

Building New Confidence
Perhaps the most daunting task during the recovery process is developing a new sense of confidence in yourself. You may have felt good about life when you met the psychopath. You may have thought you were in a “good place.” And even if you were not very happy then, your emotional state at that time cannot be compared to the despair you feel once you are finally free of the abuse. After the psychopath discards you so callously, you feel completely worthless, and climbing out of that hole probably seems impossible. But, there is hope! You begin to build yourself up again by following the steps above: forgiving yourself and listening to your intuition. As you do that, you develop a new kind of self-awareness. You identify your strengths and weaknesses at a deeper level, and as a result, you determine how, exactly, the psychopaths exploited you. This self-exploration is painful, but in the end it enables you to get in touch with the best parts of yourself and cultivate those wonderful qualities. In addition, you cannot become appropriately confident without looking at the upsetting experiences you endured from the time you were a child. All normal human beings suffer traumas at various points in their lives, and it is so important to work through the emotional fallout of those traumas. This can and should be accomplished through reaching out to others (therapists, friends, family, other survivors) and through self-reflection. You will not find any easy solutions, but it is absolutely possible to transform yourself in ways you cannot imagine at the height of your pain. Your greatness is inside of you, just waiting to be nurtured.

Patiently facing the pain, forgiving and loving yourself, tuning into your gut feelings, and developing appropriate confidence in yourself as a unique and capable individual…that is how you begin to trust again. By following these steps, you start to trust yourself, and authentic self-trust is necessary before you can put your faith in new people. You can find great joy in life by discovering your own worth and trusting in it. Unfortunately, these steps are not a guarantee that you will never be hurt again. All normal human beings have doubts and insecurities; all normal people are imperfect and make mistakes. Although future pain is inevitable, future entanglements with psychopathic people are not. You might encounter them, but you will spot them quickly and not allow them into your heart. When you realize how special you truly are, your life will become richer, you will make better decisions, and you will establish loving, meaningful connections with others. And when you have faith in yourself, that is how you rebuild your faith in humanity. So there is hope and happiness to be found on the other side of the darkness. Just remember, it comes from within.

Monday, April 3, 2017

10 Signs Your Soul Has Reincarnated Many Times Before

Buddha taught his followers of rebirth or reincarnation — the belief that a soul is born multiple times into new bodies or new life forms, traveling on an eternal path to serve karma from previous lives, and eventually reach a state of perfect enlightenment when additional human lives are no longer necessary. Those who believe in reincarnation understand it as a maturation process of soulful energy.

Here are 10 signs that your soul has been reincarnated many times!

1. You Have Recurring Dreams
Dreams are reflections of the unconscious mind. Repetitive dreams may signify reflections of past life experiences. Many people claim to have experienced certain events, seen certain people or gone to other places in their dreams that feel extremely familiar and recognizable.

2. You Have Odd Memories
Out-of-place memories could be due to fantasies, but they could also be evidence of a past life. Remembering something in detail that has never happened to you in your current life could be a memory from a past life. placeholder 153 blocked. Reason : no sizes

3. You Have Deja Vu
Deja vu happens to most people at some point, but repeatedly experiencing it could be a sign of previous reincarnation. Smells, sounds, sights and tastes may seem extremely familiar and cause flashbacks to another place and time. placeholder 106 blocked. Reason : no sizes

4. You Are An Empath
Empaths absorb the feelings of others. They are extremely attuned to emotions. placeholder 115 blocked. Reason : no sizes Being an empath may be a sign that your soul has undergone many previous reincarnations, and you have experienced so many emotions that you are now extremely sensitive to them.

5. You Have Precognition
Precognition is future sight or second sight. It’s the ability to obtain information about events that will happen in the future. It can be experienced through visions, physical sensations and dreams. 

6. You Have Retrocognition
Retrocognition is the ability to obtain information about past events that is unavailable. These past events could be from your own lifetime, or sometime in the distant past. Retrocognition is difficult to prove, but for those who have experienced it, retrocognition could be a sign of soulful reincarnation.

7. You Have an Old Soul
Feeling older than your age reflects could be a sign of reincarnation. You’ve carried over knowledge and experience from your past lives that have stayed with you, and reflect into your current life.

8. You Have Strong Intuitions
Intuition is the ability to balance the conscious mind with the unconscious mind, and to tap deeper into primal wisdom and innate knowledge. Those with strong intuitions may be mature in soul — evidence of many lives lived.

9. You Enjoy Other Cultures or Times
Having a great, unexplained attraction to a certain culture or time period from the past may be a sign of reminiscing about your past life. Your soul may still be longing for a past environment. 

10. You Have Unexplained Fears
Certain memories or experiences can leave a mark in past lives. Some believe that those who have been reincarnated may still be able to experience the echos of past traumas through fears and phobias that are unexplained.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

This Is What Happens When You ‘Discard’ An Abusive Narcissist First

Many books, articles and online platforms for abuse survivors often focus on what happens when a narcissistic abuser ‘devalues’ and ‘discards’ their victims.  Yet what happens when survivors are lucky enough to identify the abuse that is occurring to them and with the right support and resources, are able to leave their abusers first?

Unfortunately, what would otherwise be a path to freedom can be complicated by the predatory nature of malignant narcissists, whose severe sense of entitlement combined with an unnerving lack of empathy are intrinsic to their disorder. This is a dangerous combination that can result in the abuser sustaining what is known as a narcissistic injury (a threat to the narcissist’s sense of power and control) and subsequently, narcissistic rage.

This type of injury and rage manifests in different ways. According to Dr. Sarkis, narcissistic abusers are likely to do everything possible to win back their victims if they suspect they are on the verge of leaving. Yet this also applies to after their victims leave, as well. To explore what can happen when a survivor leaves his or her narcissistic abuser first and how survivors of narcissistic abuse can protect themselves in this vulnerable stage of their healing journey, I’ve listed the four main ways in which narcissists can act out their “injury” and pose potential harm to their victims, as well as some ways you can empower yourself during this precarious time.

1. Stalking and harassment. Unless the narcissistic abuser had other sources of narcissistic supply (people who provided them a steady stream of attention, praise, admiration, resources, etc.) they were already grooming by the time you left, chances are that he or she was left blindsided by your departure – especially if you planned your departure quietly and safely. A normal partner may be understandably hurt by a break-up that was sudden and not mutual, but eventually, that partner would understand if you needed to end a relationship because it was causing you much more pain than happiness. At the very least, that partner would find some way to move forward with his or her life, knowing that you were not the one for them.

An abusive narcissist? He or she will fly off the handle when they realize that you’ve ‘one-upped’ them somehow and “beaten them” to the discard. Despite the fact that you were obviously in severe emotional and/or physical danger, the narcissist will perceive your escape as an abandonment, rather than a way to secure your safety and sanity from their psychological violence.

See, abusive relationships with a narcissist rely on an idealization-devaluation-discard cycle which enables the narcissist to degrade their victims and discard their victims without any accountability whatsoever. 
This cycle confirms the narcissist’s distorted sense of being superior to their victims. If the victim ‘discards’ the narcissist first, he or she upsets the power dynamic that bolsters the abuser’s desire for power and validation.

Remember: even if you left the relationship for legitimate reasons – such as for your own emotional and physical safety, your abuser still views the relationship as a competition. For you, the seemingly helpless and powerless victim, to leave first, sends them into a tailspin of fury and devastation. After all, how dare their victims forge the path to freedom, when they essentially ‘belong’ to the narcissist? That is how the narcissist thinks and believes: they truly see their victims as objects to be owned, controlled, mistreated and used as emotional punching bags, not as independent agents with free will.

Make no mistake: you deserve to live a life free of abuse. You have rights. You have boundaries. You have limits. The narcissistic abuser works to erode those boundaries and rights throughout the abusive relationship and sustain a parasitic connection with their victims; they leech off their victim’s resources, empathy, compassion and compliance. By leaving the narcissist first, you threaten their sense of ownership over you and their excessive need to control and gain from you what they cannot find in themselves.

That is why the devastation they feel at the loss of supply is not due to the loss of the survivor, but rather, the loss of power they once held over the survivor. Narcissists rely on narcissistic supply (anything in the form of praise, money, gifts, sex, attention, etc.) to survive their daily experience. 
They are “addicts” that zoom in on vulnerable targets – anyone they perceive to have high degrees of empathy and compassion – and exploit those targets for all they’re worth, sucking them dry emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They use their victims as trophies to give themselves access to the victim’s resources – status, wealth, the reputation of being with someone attractive and/or successful, as well as social proof of their normalcy.

When their victims are able to escape their grasp without all of their resources being fully exhausted, or right around the time when the narcissist is depending on another devaluation phase to feed himself or herself that daily high – they become inexplicably enraged.
It is no wonder, then, that narcissistic abusers are known to stalk their former victims months, sometimes even years, after the ending of the relationship, especially if their victims discarded them first. They might harass and stalk you in person, through e-mail, texting, phone calls, voicemails, or third-party contact. They may stalk you on your social media platforms and even engage in cyberbullying or threats. Their messages can range from threatening to love-bombing, and may vacillate between rage and tenderness, causing a confusing cocktail of emotions for their victims who simultaneously may want to be left alone but may also be concerned about whether the narcissist’s performances of remorse, pity ploys, or apologies are in any way authentic attempts at accountability.

The usual advice given to the survivor is to go No Contact with his or her abuser – but the sneakiest of narcissists will find their way around the barriers you place. It is actually very common for an abusive ex to linger far beyond the expiration date of the relationship, because abuse is all about power and control. In more extreme scenarios, an abusive partner may hack into your computer or phone and install spyware; they may obtain a plethora of fake IP addresses or fake accounts to cyberbully you on different social media platforms without it being traced; they may threaten you “anonymously” through different e-mail addresses or texts with messages that are meaningful to you but confusing to outsiders, in order to evade suspicion from law enforcement. Narcissists can even use various phone apps to mask their numbers and use multiple numbers to harass you all day long or bombard you with an excessive amount of messages per day. This leaves you with the rather dreary choices of blocking each and every number while a new one pops up, or changing your number altogether.

When stalking and harassment takes a severe emotional toll and you feel you are being retraumatized, unable to move forward in your journey to healing, it may be time to consider taking legal action (if, and only if, you feel safe doing so) whether by reporting the harassment to the police and/or filing for an order of protection or restraining order.
Some survivors may not feel comfortable with this, as it has the potential of making their abusers even more vindictive and it may be even more traumatizing should the case proceed to court. Others may feel empowered by receiving legal documentation that will often make more cowardly narcissists back out of their schemes as soon as they realize they may face legal consequences for their actions.
Research the laws in your state about how to best protect yourself, understand which laws support you in documenting and recording the various forms of abuse and remember to also consult the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you have any questions about how to proceed in your specific situation.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’re taking some steps to document the harassment and stalking in case you ever need proof of it. Let those you trust know about what is occurring as well as your whereabouts. At this time, for your own safety, you need to be able to seek support and ‘check in’ with those who can help you – whether it be with a trusted friend, family member, therapist or all of the above.

Never forget: the time when an abuse victim is leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the most dangerous points in the abuse cycle. Please take care of yourself and do what you feel is most emotionally and physically safe as well as practical for you.  Don’t discount your intuition, either – it can save your life.

2. Devaluation and Jekyll and Hyde hoovering. After the breakup, the character of the narcissistic abuser can become disturbingly clear – and dangerous. Malignant narcissists will usually attempt to sweet-talk you back into the relationship with promises of change, faux remorse for their misdeeds, and feigned accountability for their actions. They may romanticize the relationship and re-idealize you, taking back all their hurtful words and actions in one fell swoop (or cleverly constructed text message). This is known as hoovering, and it is when, like a Hoover vacuum, the abuser attempts to “suck” their victim back into the abuse cycle.

Yet when you fail to comply with their demands to meet up, reconcile, remain friends or you resist the idealization in any way, abusive narcissists revert back to their true, vindictive selves. Pulling the signature Jekyll and Hyde moves they subjected you to during the relationship, they devalue you all over again, engaging in name-calling, cruel insults and demeaning remarks about your personality, your lifestyle, appearance, talents, career – anything and everything they can pull in to make you feel small, undesirable and unworthy.

For you to say “no” (even politely) and set boundaries is akin to setting off an atomic bomb in the narcissist’s eyes. It sends them into a frightening rage as they realize they can no longer control you and that you are actively resisting their hoovering attempts. Even if you are not verbally expressing anything, you are essentially saying “no” firmly through your actions, your silence and by refusing to get ensnared once more into the traumatic vortex of the relationship.

Your abuser had, after all, hoped that you would react just as you had all the other times you had reconciled with them after incidents of abuse – denying, minimizing or rationalizing the abuse while accepting the crumbs of their love-bombing efforts. Instead, they are left with a void in which they must try to secure other supply, lest they have to confront any need for possible self-evaluation.

Even if they are securing other supply after the break-up, it doesn’t mean they are done with you yet – they may still continue to harass and stalk you, taunting you and debasing you in order to regain a sense of power and control. They may text or call you while they’re with their new partners, to further minimize, provoke and compare you. They may swoop periodically in and out of your life through these hoovering tactics, so they can gain supply in the form of your emotional reactions.

3. Post-breakup triangulation. Once the narcissist has secured new supply, they’ll want you to know about it. That is why, on the No Contact journey, I always recommend that survivors block their narcissistic abusers as well as their harem members on all social media platforms, because even just one accidental look into their Facebook or Instagram can send you back into a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-blame if a new victim pops up shortly after the breakup.

Survivors who “discarded” the narcissist first may have an emotional advantage, in that they may be more fully connected to the reality of who the abuser is. These survivors may have resolved some of the cognitive dissonance that arose during the relationship, and successfully battled the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that occurs due to the traumatic nature of this form of relationship. They know why no new victim should ever be envied, as these new victims too will also go through the same horrific cycle.

Still, any survivor is still vulnerable to post-breakup triangulation (the deliberate manufacturing of love triangles to control and devalue you) whether online or in real life because survivors are still in the process of healing from their “addiction” and trauma bond to the narcissist. This leaves them susceptible to further emotional manipulation, unnecessary comparisons and excessive gloating from their abusive ex-partner. To avoid this, be gentle with yourself and very firm with your boundaries so that you can remove temptation or the risk of encountering the abuser altogether.

Ensure that you are avoiding places that you know the narcissistic abuser frequents; remove any form of contact with their harem members; be mindful of any urges to ever reach out to or reestablish contact with a narcissistic partner, as they may be prone to using those instances to brag about their new supply.

4. Smear campaigns and threats. If you discarded the narcissist first without warning, they are sure to be desperate to reframe the narrative about you as soon as possible. This is because in breaking up with them first, you unintentionally ‘exposed’ who they truly were as well as the hidden nature of the abusive relationship – and exposure is one of the narcissist’s greatest fears. Breaking up with a narcissist threatens their very sense of security because it could potentially rip off their false mask and reveal the true self to their harem members.

Many narcissists begin the smear campaign even before any devaluation begins by sneaking in hints to their family members or friends about your shortcomings or projected abusive traits (which are in fact their own) and provoking you publicly throughout your relationship. Smear campaigns are often staged successfully when the narcissistic abuser has access to both his or her harem group as well as your social network. However, if you never introduced the narcissist to your friends or your family, and if you are able to gain validation from within after the break-up, the smear campaign might be less effective.

The narcissist may still find other ways of slandering you – shortly after you leave them, they may threaten to release your personal information, such as private photos, text messages, videos or otherwise confidential discussions; they may stalk and harass you online; they may contact others who know you as a way to gain information about you. The means in which they can desperately try to regain a sense of control over your life are endless – but the portal to inner peace is not as impossible to reach as you may think.

Remember: all smear campaigns rely on the idea that the abuse victim is unable to self-validate and cope without the approval of others. The truth is, there may be legal ways to protect yourself against slander or the release of private information depending on the state you live in; you can still report the narcissist for harassment if they try to reach you via a third party; you can get professional support that helps to validate your experiences of the abuse and regain a sense of emotional freedom and security within yourself. As survivors, we still have choices, even if those choices primarily lie within doing what we can to seek out resources and help.

Undoubtedly, this can be a difficult time, but all we can control is how we approach the situation and empower ourselves. Research what you can do legally to protect yourself. Build support networks that help to validate your experiences and strengthen your resolve to detach from the toxicity and focus on your own inner peace. Explore alternative and traditional healing modalities that can reconnect you with a healthier mind, body and spirit. Find assistance anywhere and everywhere – through domestic violence hotlines, lawyers, support groups, therapists, life coaches, books, articles – you name it, it can all be used to propel yourself towards healing and a brighter future.

Envision yourself being in a better place than the situation you’re currently in. Know your own worth and celebrate being finally free at last from your abuser. In knowing your inner power and trusting in your ability to survive seemingly insurmountable odds, you’ll realize that you are much more powerful than you might think. You were powerful enough to leave your abuser and survive the abuse – don’t underestimate how powerful you can be in thriving after it. 



Overt abuse techniques commonly used on preferred scapegoat targets by Cluster B people tend to cause physical health issues for victims of people who are socially aggressive, violent, and foster a complex atmosphere of Ambient Abuse in any social environment they have the opportunity to influence.

The most common targets for social abuse are highly sensitive and emotionally intelligent people who are by nature prone to behaving like humanists. People who are of lesser social means (meaning less socially powerful or influential) are also likely targets, too.

If you live in a home where abuse is prevalent, expect your health to decline and your self-conception to suffer. Being told all the time YOU are the problem for reacting to abuse in ways that are actually emotionally intelligent and PHYSICALLY appropriate tends to cause victim self-identity to suffer.

If you feel like you are unsure whether you over-react to abuse or you are justified in being upset when you are lied to, conned by a love fraud, are cheated on, are beaten or sexually assaulted, threatened with murder, etcetera… your mind and body are already experiencing symptoms of extreme C-PTSD.

Chances are you are likely to be developing a  form of Stockholm Syndrome based on trauma bonding with your Abuser.  When and if a trauma bond forms, the biology of the human form does a couple of things.

First of all — if you are healthy and sane, you will tend to trust your own eyes and ears as well as sanity. If you catch a partner cheating, for instance, but they blame YOU? Or an Enabler tries to convince you that your abuser loves you in their own way? Or they tell you that physical assault is for your own good?

Seriously — if you believe them you are already likely to be living with adrenal fatigue and heightened forms of pervasive social anxiety soon.

The following list of anxiety disorder types was compiled by the Mayo Clinic. The healthcare organization describes many of the most common conditions as follows:

  • Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.
  • Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition includes symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are directly caused by a physical health problem.
  • Generalized anxiety disorder includes persistent and excessive anxietyand worry about activities or events — even ordinary, routine issues. The worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstance, is difficult to control and affects how you feel physically. It often occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.
  • Panic disorder involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, chest pain, or a rapid, fluttering or pounding heart (heart palpitations). These panic attacks may lead to worrying about them happening again or avoiding situations in which they’ve occurred.
  • Selective mutism is a consistent failure of children to speak in certain situations, such as school, even when they can speak in other situations, such as at home with close family members. This can interfere with school, work and social functioning.
  • Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety that’s excessive for the child’s developmental level and related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.
  • Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousnessand concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.
  • Specific phobias are characterized by major anxiety when you’re exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.
  • Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by symptoms of intense anxietyor panic that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications, being exposed to a toxic substance or withdrawal from drugs.
  • Other specified anxiety disorder and unspecified anxiety disorder are terms for anxiety or phobias that don’t meet the exact criteria for any other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

Folks who actively abuse and enable other abusers love telling their abuse victims that they are somehow socially, emotionally, and intellectually deficient. They are huge fans of abusing the crap out of their target, then when caught or confronted about their behavior choices they love nothing more than playing the victim.

The more extreme the personality disorder the more likely social predators are to enjoy harming or humiliating and dominating other people.

Not only do they expect their willing Narcissistic Supply Sources to consistently play SUB-servant, they wholeheartedly expect and demand total obedience from any preferred scapegoat they like to claim ownership of and to toy with psychologically and emotionally on a regular basis.

People who get trapped* in the CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE tend to know something is not right with the claims the Cluster B person makes, but unless they are well educated about things like how to spot the warning signs of a Cluster B pack or egocentric Abuser, love fraud tactics, and are made aware of verbal abuseand mind control tactics, predators make incredible logical fallacy statements and appeals to emotion that sound — at least plausible — to an unaware listener.

If a target makes the mistake of reverse projecting and presumes that all human beings — INCLUDING CLUSTER B PEOPLE AND VERTICAL THINKERS — have the same core values as roughly 75-80% of the global human population, that is the instant chaos manufactures or pot stirrers have the ability to start mind assaulting trouble.

People who are exposed to physical abuse, sexual assault, verbal assaults of a poignant or pervasive nature, financial abuse, social persecution, and the word choices of dehumanizers seeking to sadistically or callously persecute tend to develop extreme social anxiety, pervasive stress related illnesses, and extreme confusion over knowing they are good folks in their heart and mind but hear constant ad hominem attacks against themselves by bullies and manipulators all the time.

If you are being harassed, bullied, messed with at work, are being picked on by family members who display Cluster B behaviors, an ex has done some crappy thing like tried to smear campaign, or worse…
Or you are feeling the literal weight of an angry and hostile narcissistic led faction world…

You are not alone in suspecting being around mean people can damage your health. Verbal assault can lead directly to neurological damage to the part of the brain that houses complex emotional reasoning centers and the body fatigues and organ function is medically depleted by the fear-induced surge of toxic adrenal chemicals.


Life-threatening illness tends to develop in humans who feel TRAPPED by an Abuser (unable to flee) or who are held hostage by toxic thinkers seeking to silence and oppress their scapegoats, targets, and control the fear-based psychology of their toys as well as any collateral damage victims.

[Abusers tend to rage at anyone who offers one of their preferred scapegoat targets humanitarian aid or social support. Doing so tends to produce the effect of socially isolating their targeted victim while humiliating and truly frightening them further when and if people passively choose to stay out of it or to enable, leaving the target even more vulnerable to further pervasive overt (as well as extreme covert) situational abuse. ]

The more healthcare workers start to realize if a patient presents with stress illness and psychiatric symptoms that the patient is more than likely showing physical signs of complex psychological and emotional duress more than likely being caused by ongoing exposure to Narcissistic Abuse or an Ambient Abuse promoting environment, the sooner human beings of neurotypical nature are likely to be able to end the healthcare crisis beginning to plague most modern nations.

Via By FlyingMonkeysDenied

Monday, March 27, 2017

3 Warning Signs of Hidden Abuse

Psychological abusers blame your reactions to their abuse, rather than the abuse itself. Then they repeat the abuse so you seem "crazy" for bringing it up.

Psychological abuse leaves the survivor feeling hopeless and isolated. One of my favorite new recovery books shines a light on this painful reality and restores hope: Healing From Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse (Amazon), by Shannon Thomas (LCSW).

Shannon's is one of the first books on the topic written by a professional therapist, and with survey research data to back up her words. It's also quite compassionate and conversational, which helps the reader feel safe and understood. Hidden abuse, by the name itself, is very difficult to describe or articulate. I've selected a few great quotes from her book that help to identify it:

1) "Frequently, the emotional homicide is happening while other people go on clamoring about what a great guy or gal the abuser is, and how lucky the survivor is to be connected to the abuser."

It's incredibly confusing when you see a side to someone that no one else sees. Narcissists and sociopaths present a certain image to the world, typically saving their most hurtful behavior for their intimate relationship partners (or children, subordinates, etc). A lot of times it seems like they would rather impress a total stranger than make their actual partner happy. While you're being gas-lighted and triangulated, many people (even your own friends) will remind you what a great person they are. This causes you to implode and blame yourself for their increasingly inappropriate behavior. Even after they cheat and replace you with someone, making their infidelity incredibly obvious, somehow their fan club continues clapping for them.

2) "They accuse survivors of 'focusing on the past' or they say things like, 'The problem is that you won't forgive me for my mistakes.' No, the problem is that psychological abusers keep making the same 'mistakes' or choices to harm other people."

This is a huge one. With psychological abusers, they blame your reactions to their abuse, rather than the abuse itself. And they continue repeating the abuse, which only makes you seem "crazy" for having to bring it up over and over again. Most people value forgiveness, but psychopaths exploit this to the extreme. Before long, you'll find yourself apologizing for their cheating, lying, and flirting with exes. If only you had been more easy-going, then everything would have been fine, right? Nah.

3) "Psychological abusers know when and where to turn off their manipulative games. They know precisely how to push all the right emotional buttons to get the target's frustrated response that the abuser craves."

Narcissists and sociopaths can go back to the sweet, nice person you fell in love with whenever it's convenient for them. If they sense you're drawing away, catching onto their behavior, or not responding to their other mind games. Shannon repeatedly drills home that psychological abusers are not dumb, and their behavior is not unintentional. These choices to become "nice" again are exactly that: choices. And likewise, they also make the choice to push your buttons and manufacture reactions so they can prove that you're "crazy" or "needy" or "jealous".

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Shannon has a great way with words, combining academia with warmth and compassion. She's one of the professionals out there who truly gets it, and her book's approach to healing is the key home.

She understands the severity of this abuse, the long-lasting damage it can leave, and the essential self-work needed to heal from it. A large part of her process is deprogramming old beliefs (lies) that the abuser plants in the survivor. Beliefs that, when left untended, can drain away self worth and even cause PTSD.

How are personality disorders created?

An important topic she explores (which I feel my book missed the mark on) is how personality disorders are created. They're not just devil babies risen from hell. From her book: "Personality disorders are created during childhood and adolescence through a lack of healthy attachments to their primary caregivers".

I believe this truth helps survivors to overcome cognitive dissonance, realizing there was nothing you could have done differently to make it work. This person was incapable of attachment & love, which is likely the root of all their other behavior. This also helped me to understand that this person's behavior had literally nothing to do with me. Accepting this allowed me to let go of resentment, forgive (from a distance), and finally release old messages of "not enough".

Wrapping up

Shannon describes many other important aspects of hidden abuse: gas-lighting, smear campaigns, common traits of survivors, and flying monkeys. She also approaches the religious aspect of hidden abuse, and at one point discusses people who use God as a flying monkey ("God guided me to sleep with this other person").